Tag: faith

Don’t Take Away Your Own Power To Choose

It was one of those days. Nothing extraordinarily stressful, but not exactly calm. Crazy with moments of beauty that fueled the stamina to get through another day of my husband traveling. Times of patience, times of crying, and times of gritting my teeth to not scold, become short with, or unintentionally insult or offend anyone. Just one of those normal, chaotic-life-that-we-live kind of days.

About five minutes ago, at the end of this not-so-particularly-significant day, I was washing our not-so-particularly-significant dishes that were still in the sink and began listening a God Centered Mom podcast episode, my heart looking for hope and guidance and direction and comfort, feeling ever so slightly (…) crushed  and defeated from the week. And within the first five minutes of this podcast, I listened to the guest, Paul David Tripp, state the following in response to the host’s prompts:

“So maybe start with some questions here. If you’re a parent, what keeps you going when you just don’t feel like going anymore? What makes you willing to do the same thing over and over and over again? What gives you hope when your children don’t offer you any hope? That’s where we all live. We all live with the repetitive nature of parenting, with times when we just feel like we’re at the end, or when we want to think hopefully about our children but we don’t see the things in our kids we’d love to see. And I think that’s when this deeper sense of the beauty and glory of ‘what I’ve been called to’ is what makes me willing to do that again.”

{pause for ugly cries here}

Whoa. Just…whoa. It hit my gut hard, in the, I’ll leave the dishes soak while I go type my thoughts to process kind of hard. I’ve been wanting to write for the last two weeks, and have not been able to get the wheel spinning. Thoughts with no depth, no direction, no exploration. But today I kept thinking about a conversation I had a month or two ago with a dear colleague. As we always do when we meet, we cover a thousand topics, personal and professional, and she is always, ALWAYS, a gentle, insightful soul to be around. During this conversation, I was talking about the difficult dichotomy of being the “unorganized parent while simultaneously being the parent who organizes, administrates, and plans”. She offered the empathy that she always does (the true depth of understanding empathy, not the “I know that must be tough” kind, but the kind where she can explain better how it feels than you can), and as I went to offer my routine, “I have to…”, I stopped.

For the first time, I couldn’t say, “I don’t have a choice”. It didn’t feel right. Instead, a swarm of thoughts rushed me at once; thoughts of parents I’ve worked with, people I’ve known, foster children I see, people who don’t make that choice. And I realized…and said…”You know. I’ve always said I don’t have a choice. But for the first time, I realized I do. And I need to stop saying that. Because I do have a choice. There are so many days I’ve wanted to just drive away. To quit. To make sure the kids were taken care of, and take off. To stay in bed and not get up. To check out. But I don’t. And I wouldn’t…I couldn’t. But it’s not because I don’t have a choice. I have that choice. I just don’t make it.”

So I guess tonight’s podcast, well…it makes me take that a little deeper. What makes me keep making the choice that I do? I didn’t keep listening – my thoughts were swirling too much to hear anything else that was being said – but I’d imagine that much of where he was headed was faith and our “calling” due to the couple of sentences that followed the above quote. And yes. Faith has a role. Faith and the belief that life is bigger than me, that God is lending me the beautiful souls I’m blessed to call my children, that there is a bigger and higher purpose. These play huge roles.

There’s also something in me that refuses to quit. It won’t let me, even if I want to. Even if I want to make the choice, consider the choice, explore the choice. There is – and always has been a piece of me that will not give up.

There’s a morality piece. A piece that reminds me that it’s not just about me anymore. The piece that says, “once you decide to have children, it’s not longer about you” that runs through the very depths of my being. That they didn’t choose to be here, and I have been given the responsibility AND the privilege of raising them the best that I can. It’s self-sacrificial to become a parent. While the sacrifice should not be at the cost of your own health and well-being (in classic airline style, please put your own mask on first…), but it SHOULD be a change.

I have never been a person who believes we can just “choose” to be something. I can’t “choose” to be happy when I’m depressed, I can’t “choose” to be focused when I’m distracted, and I can’t “choose” to be calm when I’m stressed. Contrary to the belief, it’s similar to being told to “calm down” or “just smile” or “be happy” or “pay attention”. If we could, wouldn’t we? I mean, really think about that. Of course. And if we wouldn’t, then it’s so much deeper than that single choice.

You see, it’s a practice. A practice of self-discipline. A practice of gratitude. A practice of mindfulness and meditation. A practice of self-care. A practice of coping skills, reminders, breathing…repetition of things to help until they become the norm. A rebuilding of the natural neural pathways.

But I’ve tree-branched, and I might be losing you. So I digress.

At the end of the day, YOU need to be able to answer Paul’s questions. And the bottom line? You do have a choice. You have a choice to be different, to do different, to learn different…you have a choice to find the skills, the people, the resources, the tools to help you find a different path. To practice, to learn, to find accountability, to grow. You have the choice to learn if it’s a choice you want to make. It’s not easy. At. All. But we have the ability to say, “enough is enough” and to keep saying “not today” if we need to. But…if you can’t find it in yourself to believe that you have a choice? Well. I’d love to hear from you, because maybe we can find it together <3

There is always a choice.

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Angels in Charge

“For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways.”                                                             Psalm 91:11

It was a day. A day of constant reminders, of big emotions, of bigger stressors. A day where I sobbed in church. Where I sobbed at the gym. Where I sobbed at bedtime. Each time triggered by a big move by a bigger God. It was just one of those days.

But the moment at the end…it happened in slow motion. As I watched, frozen, my sweet puffin dove gleefully toward the animal “nest” the girls had created, plummeting toward the bunkbed steps. I saw his knees hit, perfectly angle to propel his body forward, and within a split second, his face slam against the side of the wooden bed step. Internally, I did a mom gasp/shriek/scream/cry, but externally, I physically crumpled to the floor, scooped him up, and just held him. I looked at his face, checked his eyes and surrounding bones, then held him – close – and cried. “Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Jesus.” Sobbed. “Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Jesus.” Rocked and swayed. Thank you, Jesus.

My girls, confused, could not figure out why I was saying a prayer of thanks as my little guy screamed in pain and cried those tears of devastation he has when he’s hurt. They couldn’t see everything happening internally; in my heart, I felt an overwhelming rush of emotional awareness, gratitude, and grace. Of realization of what could have gone differently, so very wrong, with the slightest torque of body or bend of stuffed animals. And I cried harder.

Blake Eye

The puffin received a kiss of angels that evening. I know it in the depths of my soul. That day, from the get-go, God was reaching to me. Speaking to me. Sending people my way in impromptu prayer. And in one all-encompassing incident, the envelope was sealed: “Here I am. Trust. Me.”

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying my littlest was hurt as a way to send me a message. While I think those moments happened to an extent in biblical passages, I don’t believe God intentionally causes physical harm in the day to day. But as I looked at his healing scab tonight, it washed over me all over again, like an ocean wave that takes you by surprise: just because we get hurt, it doesn’t mean God turned away.

And I knew this. Oh, how I knew this. But tonight? It sunk in a little deeper. Hard times? God doesn’t leave. Grieving? Still present. Overwhelmed? Yep, He’s there. You lost your job, your spouse, your kids, your home? God is present, loving, gracious, and looking out.  When my 6-year-old can gush during an everyday conversation, “I just love how God loves us so much that He cares about that“, it requires a gut check to remember just how much He really loves us. How much do I love my kids? And His love is SO MUCH MORE!

My precious reader, He has not turned His back on you. When your heart is open, when your mind is ready, open your eyes. Look around, be present, and pay attention. He’s speaking to you, and He wants you to know He has not abandoned you. Sometimes, His saving grace may look a little differently than you had imagined.

Look Straight Ahead…and Step Off

I read a friend’s SM post tonight, and it was a beautiful, beautiful post. She went into intricate detail about comparison with highlight reels, fears and anxieties, real life experiences, and a somewhat familiar experience she had with the freezing capacity of fear. (if this is something you need to hear, message me and I can share more – with her permission 🙂 )But the powerful statement that pushed her on – the one that inspired this post for me – was one made by a worker as she encouraged my friend to keep going: “look straight ahead…and step off”.

The first thing I felt was a punch in my gut, which, by sheer default of the quick rush of emotion/energy, often causes me to inflect (internally reflect – like what I did there??). How often do we miss our chance without even knowing? How often does fear hold us back when God is whispering, “trust Me”. We believe we are called to something – a mission, a place, a job, a relationship, a community organization, a cause – but instead of looking straight, we look down. We hear His voice. We get confirmation. We believe with full force that we are on the right path. We look down. And we freeze.

Because when we look down? We swirl. Our minds race, our heads spin, our heart rates jump and our breaths catch. We jump into one of the many responses to stress, but for most of us, we freeze. Frozen, we start to question. We inflect – but guess who’s there, ready to answer loudly and to compound your doubts? We question the risk, the reality, the purpose, the passion, even God’s voice. We wonder if we were crazy to think that God was what – WHO’s – voice we were hearing. We wonder if it was all driven by emotion and not reality. We rationalize and look at logic, justifying turning back – or staying complacent – with our “when I get my ducks in a row” mentality…and we miss out. Oh, dear readers, we miss out on SO MUCH.

Y’all, this post is short and sweet. When God calls you, He calls you. He doesn’t ask you to figure out all of the details. He doesn’t request you have all the skills or knowledge or tools or understanding or know-how. Over and over again, the bible shows us examples of God calling the UN-qualified (I mean, how many sermons have been preached on that?!?). But He does require trust in Him. A child-like trust that believes He knows the bigger picture, believes He is who He says He is, believes He will walk you through the next step.

All we need to do is look straight ahead – and step off.

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Day 8: finding the balance 

It is my heart to share my journey, with hopes to connect with others who are experiencing the same, whether physically with me now, or spiritually with me later. But I am realistic. Realistically, I know that I have 3 kids under 4, with one being a mere month old. Realistically I know that balancing a blog and balancing life need to find perfect harmony as I venture into what my health journey will look like now, in a new chapter of my life. Realistically, I know I am not alone. 

In my head and in my heart, I know this balance will come. But I’m also striving for it currently, in my work, in my fitness, in my diet, in my relationships, in my family, in my faith, in my self. Balance seems to be this “thing”, so far out of sight but just out of reach. Tempting us with the promise that it’s achievable but never truly being reached. 

So, for now, I will continue in prayer for balance and will continue stumbling forward, seeking a community who is also stumbling, praying, reaching, searching, hoping, grasping. Maybe, just maybe, we can support each other in our journey, and the balance will be found there in.