Tag: repetition

Don’t Take Away Your Own Power To Choose

It was one of those days. Nothing extraordinarily stressful, but not exactly calm. Crazy with moments of beauty that fueled the stamina to get through another day of my husband traveling. Times of patience, times of crying, and times of gritting my teeth to not scold, become short with, or unintentionally insult or offend anyone. Just one of those normal, chaotic-life-that-we-live kind of days.

About five minutes ago, at the end of this not-so-particularly-significant day, I was washing our not-so-particularly-significant dishes that were still in the sink and began listening a God Centered Mom podcast episode, my heart looking for hope and guidance and direction and comfort, feeling ever so slightly (…) crushed  and defeated from the week. And within the first five minutes of this podcast, I listened to the guest, Paul David Tripp, state the following in response to the host’s prompts:

“So maybe start with some questions here. If you’re a parent, what keeps you going when you just don’t feel like going anymore? What makes you willing to do the same thing over and over and over again? What gives you hope when your children don’t offer you any hope? That’s where we all live. We all live with the repetitive nature of parenting, with times when we just feel like we’re at the end, or when we want to think hopefully about our children but we don’t see the things in our kids we’d love to see. And I think that’s when this deeper sense of the beauty and glory of ‘what I’ve been called to’ is what makes me willing to do that again.”

{pause for ugly cries here}

Whoa. Just…whoa. It hit my gut hard, in the, I’ll leave the dishes soak while I go type my thoughts to process kind of hard. I’ve been wanting to write for the last two weeks, and have not been able to get the wheel spinning. Thoughts with no depth, no direction, no exploration. But today I kept thinking about a conversation I had a month or two ago with a dear colleague. As we always do when we meet, we cover a thousand topics, personal and professional, and she is always, ALWAYS, a gentle, insightful soul to be around. During this conversation, I was talking about the difficult dichotomy of being the “unorganized parent while simultaneously being the parent who organizes, administrates, and plans”. She offered the empathy that she always does (the true depth of understanding empathy, not the “I know that must be tough” kind, but the kind where she can explain better how it feels than you can), and as I went to offer my routine, “I have to…”, I stopped.

For the first time, I couldn’t say, “I don’t have a choice”. It didn’t feel right. Instead, a swarm of thoughts rushed me at once; thoughts of parents I’ve worked with, people I’ve known, foster children I see, people who don’t make that choice. And I realized…and said…”You know. I’ve always said I don’t have a choice. But for the first time, I realized I do. And I need to stop saying that. Because I do have a choice. There are so many days I’ve wanted to just drive away. To quit. To make sure the kids were taken care of, and take off. To stay in bed and not get up. To check out. But I don’t. And I wouldn’t…I couldn’t. But it’s not because I don’t have a choice. I have that choice. I just don’t make it.”

So I guess tonight’s podcast, well…it makes me take that a little deeper. What makes me keep making the choice that I do? I didn’t keep listening – my thoughts were swirling too much to hear anything else that was being said – but I’d imagine that much of where he was headed was faith and our “calling” due to the couple of sentences that followed the above quote. And yes. Faith has a role. Faith and the belief that life is bigger than me, that God is lending me the beautiful souls I’m blessed to call my children, that there is a bigger and higher purpose. These play huge roles.

There’s also something in me that refuses to quit. It won’t let me, even if I want to. Even if I want to make the choice, consider the choice, explore the choice. There is – and always has been a piece of me that will not give up.

There’s a morality piece. A piece that reminds me that it’s not just about me anymore. The piece that says, “once you decide to have children, it’s not longer about you” that runs through the very depths of my being. That they didn’t choose to be here, and I have been given the responsibility AND the privilege of raising them the best that I can. It’s self-sacrificial to become a parent. While the sacrifice should not be at the cost of your own health and well-being (in classic airline style, please put your own mask on first…), but it SHOULD be a change.

I have never been a person who believes we can just “choose” to be something. I can’t “choose” to be happy when I’m depressed, I can’t “choose” to be focused when I’m distracted, and I can’t “choose” to be calm when I’m stressed. Contrary to the belief, it’s similar to being told to “calm down” or “just smile” or “be happy” or “pay attention”. If we could, wouldn’t we? I mean, really think about that. Of course. And if we wouldn’t, then it’s so much deeper than that single choice.

You see, it’s a practice. A practice of self-discipline. A practice of gratitude. A practice of mindfulness and meditation. A practice of self-care. A practice of coping skills, reminders, breathing…repetition of things to help until they become the norm. A rebuilding of the natural neural pathways.

But I’ve tree-branched, and I might be losing you. So I digress.

At the end of the day, YOU need to be able to answer Paul’s questions. And the bottom line? You do have a choice. You have a choice to be different, to do different, to learn different…you have a choice to find the skills, the people, the resources, the tools to help you find a different path. To practice, to learn, to find accountability, to grow. You have the choice to learn if it’s a choice you want to make. It’s not easy. At. All. But we have the ability to say, “enough is enough” and to keep saying “not today” if we need to. But…if you can’t find it in yourself to believe that you have a choice? Well. I’d love to hear from you, because maybe we can find it together <3

There is always a choice.

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Train a Child…It Takes a Village

Did you know we have to teach children? *gasp* I know, right? They don’t know everything? They don’t learn everything by watching? They don’t come with a manual of “how to be a good person” written in gibberish that is there to study and matures as they do?

Now, before you storm off or attack me, I promise, there’s a point. And, as per usual, it includes my own learning curves.

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And on that note, many of us have heard the familiar verse in Proverbs (ch22 vs6), “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it”. But a conversation with a co-worker made me reflect on this with a slightly new – or perhaps widened – perspective.

We were chatting and joking about our same-aged children, our then five-year-olds – and mannerisms, respect, and even just plain old behaviors. The conversation quickly turned into areas we’d not thought of having to teach – you know, in the “before we were parents” era. Things like greeting someone before asking them a question, acknowledging a person as they enter the room, not running in front of someone and cutting them off. That sort of thing. Sure, we all know that children need to be taught to walk, talk, hold a spoon, tie a shoe, write their names. But sometimes, we forget about the things with more depth, and the intentionality it requires to truly teach a child.

As I reflected on this conversation, I began an entirely new pondering on the old phrase, “it takes a village”. We often use it to imply to lend a hand, help out, do different tasks or chores or errands or take care of a child. Practical, hands-on behaviors. Right?

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But I think it’s more than that. No, that’s not true. I know it’s so very much more. I listened to a training about bullying and trauma in schools, and she talked about how, time and again, she would hear the similar responses from school staff she would train…”it’s not my role”. But she wasn’t content with that – she repeatedly emphasized that no, actually, it’s ALL of our roles. It’s our role to step in as the adult when we overhear a complete stranger’s child bullying another child on the playground. It’s our role when we’re at the neighborhood pool and we see a child being pushed under by an older one. It’s our role to step in – even with presence – when we see a child being abused, hear teasing, see bullying, watch aggression and intimidation, contemplating stealing, cheating…who else’s role would it be?

Taking it back to our village, I believe we have so much to offer when we allow a village to pour into our children – to redirect a toddler hellbent on running into a road, to distract a preschooler from a tantrum as the exhausted parent looks around desperately, to even offer a compassionate, “I got you”, look to a stressed parent trying to keep her calm. We have so much to offer each other, and it takes so little. But too often, we’re content to take a passive role. One that says, “I don’t know them. What about the consequences? What about retaliation? Would they laugh at me? Not even listen? Judge me?” We get stuck in our own fear, our own hesitation, and we become tunnel visioned on the short term effects. But in doing so, we shut down that voice that says, “It’s the right thing. What if I’m the first adult who’s aware? What does it really matter if a teen scoffs at me or a toddler doesn’t listen or a parent becomes upset?” It’s our role as adults to protect the safety and innocence of children. And we shouldn’t – we can’t – shy away from it.

Generally speaking, this applies in so many different scenarios. But so often, we forget the message we send through our own passivity or desire to not be “the mean one”. If my child is acting out and I’m not aware or present, the passivity of the nearby adult teaches my child that they only need to behave if I’m around. If I have rules that others don’t, my child learn that rules are relative (and they are, but you get the point). If I allow things to happen in my presence, my child learns that I don’t *care* (used ever so lightly) about the results or end-game. If I am blamed for the reason my child can’t do something at your house, you take away your own power and respect. If I don’t follow through, I take away mine.

Some kids are internalizers by nature. Others are not. Some have intrinsic (self) motivation, others are motivated by extrinsic (external) factors. We can’t force either of those types of children to become the opposite – I have one child who will do extra chores to earn extra stickers to earn extra rewards. She’s been like that since we were potty-training at 2. I also have a child who could care less in the moment about whether or not she’s earning or losing a reward – she’s more motivated by what she thinks is important and the creativity is required to help her find “what’s in it for her”.

We also can’t force kids to not be kids…by nature, kids learn by repetition. They learn by patterns. Watch a 2 or 3 year-old, and you’ll see repetitive, monotonous, patterned behavior – they want to explore to see if the same result will happen every time. They go to one parent, then they other. The forge an obstacle course of sorts, then do it again and again and again. They throw food on the floor, and look at you. They try out behaviors. And look at you. They want consistency, and they are learning to make sense of their worlds. Kids are survivors. And knowing what to expect and where to expect is a very large part of that.

Along the same lines, somewhere we forget that after toddler-hood, kids continue to need this repetition. We think if we teach them something, they’re good for life. But even reading this, I’m sure you immediately think, “that’s not how it works”. Most children forget within about five minutes (yes, made up statistic – I own it – but I did hear something similar, I just can’t quote it directly because I have forgotten where…). They are learning so many things, and at younger ages, that learning is concrete. Not hypothetical. Not abstract. It’s through trial and error and exploration. And a parent can’t (shouldn’t…) follow them around, reinforcing every time the child is disrespectful or dishonest or makes a dangerous choice.

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But if you agreed, “that’s not how it works”, you’re right. It’s not! We need to step in – as a village – and reinforce morals and values of human life, dignity, and respect. It can’t be done JUST by a parent, JUST by a doctor, JUST by a teacher, or JUST by a friend. Believe it or not, we don’t have to believe the same things to step in. But we do need to believe that there are certain lines that should not be crossed. We do need to reinforce that an adult being around makes a difference. If those children are anything like mine, when they’re young, they’ll come home and ask why it was different at so-and-so’s, or will tell you straight out what they did, often out of curiosity of what you’ll do if they broke the rules somewhere else. Don’t wait until they’re old to start teaching. We have so many children looking for boundaries.  <3

P.S. I can’t speak to it personally, because I have not had the chance to fully check it out. But the trainer I listened to mentioned the Bystander Revolution – there are a lot of hits on YouTube. I’d love for you to check it out with me!