Tiffany Lee – Page 2 – Best Faith Forward

Hopeless…with hope

I’ve often wondered why people want to read what I write…what I think. It is, at it’s very base, a rambling of whatever I’m struggling with at the moment. But, in that line of thinking, I’ll stay vulnerable…

I am at a point in time in my life where I have realized, I am burned out. It didn’t hit me all at once; rather, I was listening to my cynical, tired, stressed internal complaints, and I realized…I’m done. I’ve hit it. I’m not down-sliding, I’m not spiraling, I’m not going crazy, I’m there. I am burned. out. It was a strange realization of sorts, hitting me because I know me…I know me to know: I’m compassionate, almost to a fault. I’m empathic to the point I cry because other people are crying and have nightmares from movie previews. I’m sensitive, and if people are upset, I can’t sleep and I want to make it right, even if I had literally less-than-nothing to do with the cause.

And when it’s real fault? You can multiply this to the nth degree – I personalize, trivialize, internalize it all. Not that it’s “my fault”, per se (even though I have met those who experience it to this degree)…more that it’s “my responsibility”. And if I see a hint of my oldest, internalizing this mindset? Holy. Moly; for. the. love.

Hope has been my buzz-word for…I don’t even know how long. I realized in college at some point, perhaps when I was struggling with my own purpose and mortality, that if someone didn’t have hope, regardless of the source, that that was the point where the person might give up. I’ve learned much more about the factors and characteristics and sources of resiliency since then, but I still believe that hope is what keeps us moving forward. That even when we feel “hopeless”, there is at least one small part of us holding onto the idea or the potential of change. That change is possible, even when we don’t believe it.

I’m not even sure if there is a “point” to this blog tonight. Perhaps it’s just that…well…I know what it feels to be hopeless, and I’m thankful for my underlying conscience that’s always been there. I call mine God – it’s my faith – but whatever it is for you, if you have ANY voice arguing. ANY voice questioning. ANY voice telling you that this isn’t “it”…listen. JUSt. BREATHe. And Listen. I say this for you AND for me…There’s more. There’s more than thought. There’s more than belief. And there is even more than “hope”, a concept I held for so long. Regardless of the emotion and the corresponding term I can come up with at any given time, if I am alive, then there is more. There is purpose. There is a point. And while I don’t know about you, as stubborn as I am, I am not about to give up before I figure out what the heck that is.

New Pathways

Tonight.

Tonight, I write, because promised my friend I would start again. I write because I had a long conversation with my sister that’s heavy on my heart. I write, because that’s what I do. Or at least, I used to.

I stopped writing for a long time. I could pretend I was too tired – I could pretend that I got busy, that I couldn’t process or think, that it was too much work. And some days, that was my truth. But when I really think about it – when I really dig deep – I stopped writing because it MADE me feel. It made me experience these big emotions that I did not know what to do with or how to handle. Writing made me dig deep inside this portion of me that just wanted to Shut the F down. It was so much easier to pour a glass of wine (whiskey on the rocks, please!), turn on a television show, and Zone. Out. Shut down, turn off. Not have to think about me – I spend all day thinking about others and helping them through their situations and figure themselves out and know themselves better. And meanwhile, I was going to doctors and doing research and burning out. There was seriously a point that I remember thinking, “I’m so tired of psychoanalyzing myself and exploring and digging deep and processing. I just want TO STOP.”

So that’s exactly what I did. Not purposefully, I don’t think – not really even a consciously. It was more a perfect storm of postpartum depression, anxiety, a newborn with two other littles, work, exhaustion, fatigue, sleep deprivation. It was an “easy out”, so to speak, and I veered steadily in that direction.

But it wasn’t…it wasn’t easy, and it wasn’t an out. Shutting my brain down to emotions and to overwhelming thoughts was not the perfect ending to a beautiful story. Instead, it began to slowly shut me down. It’s reminiscent of the squirrel in “Ice Age” – remember him? Constantly chasing the acorn, not caring the trouble it got him in but persistently going, nonetheless? There’s a scene where he gets excited and spikes the acorn into the ice. It starts a small crack – which grows and spreads and, well, you know the rest… Shutting down an emotion or intense feeling or painful thought is a bit like that. It starts as one act – an isolated moment. But after that moment comes another and another. Eventually your brain has burned a path that makes it an automatic response – yep, you form a pathway that now NATURALLY responds in the same (or similar) manner to the same (or similar) situations and experiences.

Yikes.

Tonight, I’m starting a new pathway. New pathways – new electricities – aren’t easy. They take intention. They take awareness. They take some focus (don’t worry, we’ll go there…). They take repetition. Like any new goal, forming new habits take a lot of supporting factors. But the pathway can be burned, and the habit can change.

People can change, if they want. When the consequences – or the rewards – are big enough, people can make changes, one intention – one step – at a time. But if – and only if – the desire is there.

Tonight, I take my first step.

To the mom of three

Dear mom at Wegmans,

This isn’t another letter saying, “I see you” or “you’re not alone”. Lord knows we have enough of those floating around. Instead, this is a letter to say, “thank you”, because I didn’t have the guts. Because this time, the “I see you” sentiment is because you gave me hope.

You see, I had a day today that I don’t often get, nor imagine I will often get. A day to “myself”. Of course, my 7 week old was with me…but I still consider him an attachment 😉 But nonetheless, the girls were at the sitter’s for the day, then headed to their Gigi and Papa’s, and I experienced some quiet time for reflection and peace. Do you know what happens in those times? God speaks to me…and He strengthens me. Every. Single. Time. Fortunately, today, I was listening (other days, I can’t say that with quite such confidence).

God first got my attention as I took a break from our walk to feed the puffin. As I sat on the rock, staring out over the river in front of me, I heard and mom and 3 young children come over to the same space to sit. In the past I might have become annoyed, and these thoughts began to enter my mind…”She’s a mom, doesn’t she understand the need for solitude?” “Seriously, my own kids are talking and screaming and yelling…it had to be somebody’s…” “Did they really have to stop where I’m sitting, of all places?”. But on this day, I was feeling particularly relaxed, and as I observed my thoughts, I actually smiled as I realized, I need to learn to be peaceful WITHIN the chaos – I won’t always have the opportunity to separate myself from it (though, as a strong introvert, I have also learned that I need occasional times away to reboot).

As I resumed our walk, I began to think. I hadn’t yet taken all three kids out by myself, mostly for fear of our precious cupcake, our middle daughter. What would she do if I needed to stop to feed the baby? Or if she dropped on her bottom in the middle of the street in an early toddler tantrum? But for the first time, I began to have the desire to be active with them outside the home; to go on adventures, even if if my husband was working; to explore and have fun and make the most of my leave. It’s amazing the freedom your mind has when it’s not being inundated with questions from my curious preschooler, such as, “why is she riding a horse?” “why did her mom let her go into the trees by herself?” “why is a rock hard?” or the 20minutes meltdowns of my smart, independent, toddler. I love them both to death, but if I want to write, I need just a moment to myself. <3

Dear, fellow grocery shopper, here is where you come in. I noticed you initially because I liked your top, and was about to compliment you on it. But when I looked closer, I stopped in my trackers. Here you were, with the same kids as me. Two girls who looked perhaps 5 and 3, and a little boy in the front of the cart – perhaps approaching a year old. As I watched you walk calmly with your children, put together but not overly primped, talking sweetly with your girls about snacks to pick out for a picnic you were planning, my heart felt a sense of relief. You see, my heart has been feeling overwhelmed, burdened, heavy, stressed, worried, isolated – and even though we all logically know that things change, things get better/easier/fillintheblank, I don’t know that we all believe it to be true when it really comes down to it. It’s much harder to feel a sense of peace and hope in your heart than it is to rationalize one.

As I continued to shop, I saw you a couple of more times, and each time I tried to work up the courage to thank you. But each time, I flushed and hesitated with embarrassment, slowing my step as if you might know what I was thinking if our eyes connected, wondering how completely insane I might sound if the words ever formed.

So here it is. My thank you. Thank you for showing me a light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you for providing me hope that the swirl that life is right now won’t always be. Thank you for being God’s third sign (He works in three’s with me…seems to be the number of times I need to hear something to get it 😉 ). Thank you for just being you, walking through a grocery store with your tag sticking out, debating over the type of granola bar your kids would enjoy, reminding me not only that “this too shall pass”, but to take each moment as it comes, being present with and enjoying my children no matter the experience.

Day 8: finding the balance

It is my heart to share my journey, with hopes to connect with others who are experiencing the same, whether physically with me now, or spiritually with me later. But I am realistic. Realistically, I know that I have 3 kids under 4, with one being a mere month old. Realistically I know that balancing a blog and balancing life need to find perfect harmony as I venture into what my health journey will look like now, in a new chapter of my life. Realistically, I know I am not alone.

In my head and in my heart, I know this balance will come. But I’m also striving for it currently, in my work, in my fitness, in my diet, in my relationships, in my family, in my faith, in my self. Balance seems to be this “thing”, so far out of sight but just out of reach. Tempting us with the promise that it’s achievable but never truly being reached.

So, for now, I will continue in prayer for balance and will continue stumbling forward, seeking a community who is also stumbling, praying, reaching, searching, hoping, grasping. Maybe, just maybe, we can support each other in our journey, and the balance will be found there in.

Day 6: Sunday rest day

Today was definitely an off day, and I’m chalking up the week to a “prep week”. You know the like – taking note of my weaknesses, remembering my flaws and struggles, getting back into the swing of not just eating anything in sight. It’s no easy task changing that mindset.

On Sundays, though, I don’t track. I don’t over-indulge, but I take a break from the overly intentional eating. You know – I have lactation cookies with my morning coffee, I have a piece of fresh, homemade bread with my dinner. That kind of relaxed.

My first Sunday on my prep week was no exception. We made chocolate chip cookies as a treat for my Chickpea, and I made lactation cookies for my own milk production. I had a couple of decaf lattes (4-6 oz unsweet almond milk, stevia, and espresso). I was treated to Carraba’s family menu as a celebration and support with my newest arrival, and had a piece of fresh bread. It was a delicious and lazy Sunday – perfect for a day my husband is on nights.

But tomorrow? Tomorrow I start for real. And by for real, I mean being able to pay attention to what I eat, not just at meal times, but during the day. Not finishing everything my girls don’t eat. Not eating the grains/sugars (other than oatmeal. That’s a necessity right now!). Even after a week of being more intentional in my eating, I noticed the off day and some swelling in my joints. I want to be more mindful. More intentional.

And that’s a goal that I’m implementing into every area of my life. <3

Day 4 & 5: passing in a blur

So I have a confession. With hubby on night shifts for the first time since the arrival of our newborn, I’m in a bit of a blur, and I have no idea what I ate those days. I truly don’t. I remember day 4 passing and thinking I hadn’t eaten any “cheats” and being proud of it, but I don’t know what I did eat. I have a couple of pictures…so I guess I know breakfast and dinner. And I’m sure there was a shake in there with coconut and almond butter 😊 maybe a couple decaf lattes. Lol. Since I have those daily. Apparently I’m going to need to photograph everything I eat! It would definitely help in the accountability form.

As you can see, healthy, right? A delicious, milk producing steel cut oats with finger and honey (also galactagogues!), tomato, and eggs for breakfast. Dinner was Asian grilled chicken and peppers, baked mashed cauliflower, and avocado. Seriously, the way hubby cooks, I feel like I’m at a 5 star restaurant. Spoiled!

Now for day 5: day 5 was embarrassingly a “toddler mom” meal day. First breakfast was shakeology “candy” that was already in the freezer, and second breakfast (i.e., the time I actually get to prepare food for myself and the girls) was more oatmeal, eggs, and decaf coffee with coconut oil. Lunch was turkey, cheddar, avocado, carrots & hummus, and a handful of chips. I believe there was a shake between breakfast and lunch. But after our late lunch, well, I just picked off my kids’ plates because puffin wouldn’t let me put him down, postpartum hormones were causing too many hot flashes for me to put him in his wrap, and cupcake and chickpea had been melting down ALL day long. So by dinner, I was drained and didn’t have the energy, to be honest, to reheat leftovers. The girls weren’t eating, so I picked through their dinner (organic chicken nuggets and avocado, mostly, with some broccoli). I will also admit that at one point in the early evening, hubby literally shoved a bite of ice cream in my mouth and some raw cookie dough. He’s sweet that way 😆.

My proud moment of the day was making banana ice cream. Have y’all tried this? Heaven. Freeze a peeled banana ( or a few), then blend with a splash of almond milk, cocoa powder, and vanilla. Voila. Ice cream. It’s seriously one of my favorite summer treats. ( and don’t be fooled-bananas are packed with sugar!)

Day 3: where’s the fat?

Well, today I was again SO hungry. Oh my, I do not remember this when feeding my girls! I was out and about, and did not plan well. Anyone else seeing a theme here? 😜

The food:

Breakfast was amazing-provided by my husband-and filling, but didn’t last me as long as I’d hoped: eggs, avocado, tomato and sautéed plantains with butter. Decaf espresso with almond milk. Lunch was provided by my company in a pseudo-shower lunch: Panera soup (wild rice) and salad (Thai). Of course, I had to have a little of the cake since I was one of the two guests of honor, but I kept it to a sliver of three bites. Dinner was a lovely, summery, colorful mix: smoked BBQ chicken, avocado, mango, roasted carrots, broccoli, cheddar. But was still hungry a little over an hour later!! Drinks: 90oz water, mothers milk tea, brown ale with dinner

Snacks: almonds with a piece of chocolate, kind bar and decaf coconut milk latte, shakeology “candy” (an amazing combination of shakeology and coconut oil that you freeze…seriously delicious)

The thoughts:

Horrible day, eating wise. And as I type this, it’s no wonder I was still hungry-it was a horribly low fat and high sugar day! Im aiming to build fixes for my snacks, because that’s definitely where it’s hurting me-breastfeeding has made me so hungry, so I reach for quick snacks and don’t have high fat ones available! Kicking my sweet tooth post partum has been much harder than it was prior. It always amazes me how easy it is to let sugar creep back into my diet. Eek.

Today is another day! Keeping the shakeology candy and the 85% dark chocolate on hand as well as making some grain free lactation cookies today: setting up for success!

Day 2: snacking

As day 2 ended, I was quickly reminded of what happens when I don’t get enough calories during the day: I snack at night! Add a glass of wine, and the chances of that increase significantly.

The food:

Breakfast started late today, with eggs, avocado, tomato, and espresso with coconut oil and unsweetened almond milk. I had been pretty hungry by the time we ate but was waiting for my husband to return, as he’d promised to cook me breakfast. There was a long time between breakfast and lunch, which included homemade crab cakes (no filler) and a side Caesar this was amazing!). Afternoon meal was a shake-coconut, almond butter, vegan chocolate shakeology, unsweet almond milk and Brewers yeast. Dinner was light while at Wegmans, with some spicy tuna rolls, homemade oatmeal cookies and decaf latte. Drinks: 100+oz of water, 2 decaf lattes, 1 brown ale and 1 glass of sangria.

Snacks: kettle chips, dried cherries, and some cheese (yikes!)

The thoughts:

Two overriding thoughts today: 1, my husband is awesome. Having two meals cooked for me was nothing short of luxurious, and I am well aware how my eating is impacted when I have to throw something together myself. And 2, my snacks were awful! While I adhere to more of an intermittent lifestyle while not nursing, I believe the late breakfast and long breaks between breakfast and lunch led to the hunger in the evening! I was feeling tired and really needed to just have some tea and go to bed, skipping the late sangria and snacks. Luckily tonight we went grocery shopping, and picked up some almonds, some frozen cherries (much better than dried!!) and some hummus and carrots. But I’m definitely going to be brainstorming quick and easy snack go-to’s (or to make ahead) that are higher in fat and nutrients!

Postpartum health journey, day 1

Day 1:

Today started out rough – I awoke hungry and had to eat something quickly while nursing and getting breakfast snacks ready for my LO’s in my state of lethargy…I had nothing planned nor prepared, and I grabbed a quick bowl of cereal. Whoa, insulin spike!

I had a choice. I could then either continue the day as it started, throwing in the towel was a serious option. Blood sugar was spiked, no food was planned, and I was TIRED.

The Food:

I chose to get back on board with my goals, and my day went as follows: I enjoyed a cup of decaf coffee blended with unsweetened vanilla almond milk, cinnamon, a couple drops of stevia, and a TB of coconut oil. For lunch was turkey, muenster, orange bell pepper, and kettle chips. Had an iced decaf coffee with almond milk and a square of dark chocolate for a small treat after lunch (sometimes I want just a taste of something sweet, especially if I didn’t have my shake for breakfast!). Afternoon meal was almond milk, scoop vegan chocolate shakeology, TB almond butter, TB brewer’s yeast, splash coconut extract, shredded coconut, and ts cocoa powder. Dinner: homemade carnitas, lettuce and bell pepper, sour cream, taco sauce, shredded cheddar, 1/2 egg, and homemade salsa. Snacks included almonds with dried cherries and yogurt with chia granola.

Drinks: decaf coffee (prepared as described above), 100 oz water, mother’s milk tea with cardamom, brown ale

For those of you interested in what my husband is eating, comment below, as he and I generally prepare separate meals for work days.

The thoughts:

I should state, first and foremost, that my current postpartum goals are to currently ease back in, not to lose weight quickly or achieve some impossible “pre-baby body”, so this may look like a lot of calories to some. While nursing, my aim is to ease back into healthy eating and exercise without losing or affecting my milk supply. This week, my focus was in lowering my grain and sugar intake without the hot flash withdrawal that occurred the first time or a drastic reduction in production.

Second, I was SO HUNGRY today. Hello, breastfeeding hormones!! It didn’t help that I started the day with a fat free almond milk and carb rich cereal – it did not exactly start me off on the right foot. So many of my snacks were not planned, but were more because I was hungry quickly after my previous meals. I definitely need to go grocery shopping, and I definitely need to plan out some high fat, low sugar snacks that are easy to grab in those times.

Third thought: living with my husband means not only learning every finite detail of something he is interested in, but it also entails getting to know all of the exceptions to the rules. So while you may be surprised I included chips in my lunch, I was keenly aware that technically, chips are paleo, and would help the carb supplement while restraining the grain. He lost a lot of weight by following a eating pattern that some would not deem to be “healthy” because he understands the science behind it. It’s all about your goals!

Stay tuned as we continue on! Don’t worry, I have before pics and food pics…on my phone 😉 To be uploaded later!

Letter to a First-time Mom

Dear first-time mom,

As I sit here, cradling my third – and last – baby, my heart fills with emotion. I am taken back to the time when I held my first newborn. I remember the anxiety as I left the hospital, a new mom let loose in the world with this new life, this bundle of beauty that I was now given the responsibility to care for. And I remember the questions and the fears that filled my mind – What happens if she gets sick? How will I know what to do? They’re really trusting me to keep this thing alive???

The next few months were filled with hazy moments and blurred days from the sleep deprivation that only a new mother understands. The anxiety and hormones came in waves, and there were moments I wished it away. Not the child – never the child – but the lack of sleep. The continuous nursing (every hour and a half for approx. 45 minutes… each… you do the math). The emotional meltdowns. I remember all too vividly a night that my precious husband was on night shift, and I was sitting on the bed in her nursery, crying, willing her to sleep at that all too familiar time of 3am – the time she believed would be her bedtime. I had been nursing her almost constantly since about 11pm, and had laid her in her crib asleep about 4 times at this point – only to have her wake again and searching for comfort. I cried, desperate for sleep, desperate to be able to sit her down, desperate for comfort myself.

Then I was taken to another time – on vacation, when my bundle was only 2 months old. Still desperate for sleep (my precious firstborn would not sleep for four consecutive hours until after around 9 months of age, and not longer than that until well after she turned a year), I melted in a puddle of tears because I felt isolated. Feeding her and putting her to sleep could easily be an all day event. If you’ve ever had a comfort nurser who also could be pictured by the definition of “cluster-feeding”, you’ve felt my pain. Nursing a cluster, comfort feeder can be exhausting, overwhelming, isolating, and extremely lonely.

But mama, I don’t say all of this to scare you. I don’t say it to make you nervous or to tell you not to breastfeed or to even warn you of the hormones. Dear mama of your firstborn, the reason I share all of my information is this: I already miss it. 11 days ago, we brought home our third child (first boy) to a home with two toddlers. Female toddlers, mind you. I knew it’d be difficult. I knew there would be challenges. I anticipated having moments of just wanting to hold him but needing to rise to the needs and responsibilities that having an almost-4 and 2 year old require. But I never imagined that the moments I would struggle with most would be the first “lasts”. As I carry around my precious newborn, I’m quickly taken back to those moments with my first, wishing I’d had a different perspective. Wishing I hadn’t felt guilty those days she wouldn’t let me put her down and we spent the day snuggling. Wishing I had slept when she did in the daytime so I didn’t feel resentful during the multiple times we awoke at night. Wishing I’d had taken it all in just a little bit more, breathed her in, thanked God that I had the ability to feed her and love her and hold her. Of course, I did these things. But I wish I had done it MORE.

There’s a drastic feeling of reality that hits you when you realize you’re holding your last. You want to be present for every moment: every doctor’s appointment, every ultrasound, every heartbeat, every kick and turn, every cry, every feeding, every snuggle, every “first meeting” – All. Of. It.

So my urge to you, pregnant and current mamas with your first – do these things NOW. Do them with your first. Soak it in. Write it down (ok…I did this…but it didn’t cover it). You’ll want to remember – you’ll try hard to hold on – but your sleep-deprived brain will only hold on to some. Record it in writing, in video, through FB – however you document – and just soak it in. Don’t feel guilty if there are days you do nothing other than snuggle your baby, breathe in their sweet smell, and spend all day just taking in those moments. There will be days you’ll have plenty of time for showers and meal prepping and deep cleaning the bathroom.

But for today, just soak it up. You’re doing exactly what you are meant to do.

blake