Dear first-time mom,
As I sit here, cradling my third – and last – baby, my heart fills with emotion. I am taken back to the time when I held my first newborn. I remember the anxiety as I left the hospital, a new mom let loose in the world with this new life, this bundle of beauty that I was now given the responsibility to care for. And I remember the questions and the fears that filled my mind – What happens if she gets sick? How will I know what to do? They’re really trusting me to keep this thing alive???
The next few months were filled with hazy moments and blurred days from the sleep deprivation that only a new mother understands. The anxiety and hormones came in waves, and there were moments I wished it away. Not the child – never the child – but the lack of sleep. The continuous nursing (every hour and a half for approx. 45 minutes… each… you do the math). The emotional meltdowns. I remember all too vividly a night that my precious husband was on night shift, and I was sitting on the bed in her nursery, crying, willing her to sleep at that all too familiar time of 3am – the time she believed would be her bedtime. I had been nursing her almost constantly since about 11pm, and had laid her in her crib asleep about 4 times at this point – only to have her wake again and searching for comfort. I cried, desperate for sleep, desperate to be able to sit her down, desperate for comfort myself.
Then I was taken to another time – on vacation, when my bundle was only 2 months old. Still desperate for sleep (my precious firstborn would not sleep for four consecutive hours until after around 9 months of age, and not longer than that until well after she turned a year), I melted in a puddle of tears because I felt isolated. Feeding her and putting her to sleep could easily be an all day event. If you’ve ever had a comfort nurser who also could be pictured by the definition of “cluster-feeding”, you’ve felt my pain. Nursing a cluster, comfort feeder can be exhausting, overwhelming, isolating, and extremely lonely.
But mama, I don’t say all of this to scare you. I don’t say it to make you nervous or to tell you not to breastfeed or to even warn you of the hormones. Dear mama of your firstborn, the reason I share all of my information is this: I already miss it. 11 days ago, we brought home our third child (first boy) to a home with two toddlers. Female toddlers, mind you. I knew it’d be difficult. I knew there would be challenges. I anticipated having moments of just wanting to hold him but needing to rise to the needs and responsibilities that having an almost-4 and 2 year old require. But I never imagined that the moments I would struggle with most would be the first “lasts”. As I carry around my precious newborn, I’m quickly taken back to those moments with my first, wishing I’d had a different perspective. Wishing I hadn’t felt guilty those days she wouldn’t let me put her down and we spent the day snuggling. Wishing I had slept when she did in the daytime so I didn’t feel resentful during the multiple times we awoke at night. Wishing I’d had taken it all in just a little bit more, breathed her in, thanked God that I had the ability to feed her and love her and hold her. Of course, I did these things. But I wish I had done it MORE.
There’s a drastic feeling of reality that hits you when you realize you’re holding your last. You want to be present for every moment: every doctor’s appointment, every ultrasound, every heartbeat, every kick and turn, every cry, every feeding, every snuggle, every “first meeting” – All. Of. It.
So my urge to you, pregnant and current mamas with your first – do these things NOW. Do them with your first. Soak it in. Write it down (ok…I did this…but it didn’t cover it). You’ll want to remember – you’ll try hard to hold on – but your sleep-deprived brain will only hold on to some. Record it in writing, in video, through FB – however you document – and just soak it in. Don’t feel guilty if there are days you do nothing other than snuggle your baby, breathe in their sweet smell, and spend all day just taking in those moments. There will be days you’ll have plenty of time for showers and meal prepping and deep cleaning the bathroom.
But for today, just soak it up. You’re doing exactly what you are meant to do.
