Recently I was listening to a podcast by the Minimalists (I’m a podcast junkie…to the extent that one will ask me if I’m still interested in listening because I have too many in my queue and can’t keep up!) and one mentioned that when he originally started blogging, he wasn’t sure how he would come up with something to write every day. So he decided to just start writing about “what I’m doing now”. Well…most people could probably care less, but I thought it might be a great way to process what I’m reading and finding intriguing or thought-provoking!
Currently, one of the books I’m reading (ADD much?) is “Peaceful Parent, HAPPY KIDS” by Dr. Laura Markham. One of my dear colleagues and friends presented this book, insisting “you need to read this”. And, as life would have it, I was talking treatment to another colleague about one of our shared clients and the struggles I was having finding resources, and she showed me a powerpoint from a seminar by none other than Dr. Laura Markam. This was my third encounter on the book/author, and when things happen like this for me, I pay attention.
I’m only a few chapters in, but this…this is such a wonderful read. It’s a fabulous perspective on why children act up and the reason it can be so detrimental to yell, scream, fight, or otherwise invoke fear in the name of “discipline”. But here’s the thing. It’s what I stress with families, and it’s what I continually remind myself…a child’s behavior has a PURPOSE. When a parent talks to me about a child being manipulative, I help them reframe the terminology, and I say, simply, that I don’t use the word “manipulate” in regards to behaviors. Does it? Yes, at the foundation of the word, it does. But so does everyone. We all engage in ways to help mold, shape, and impact our current and future situations. Behavior has a purpose…a message…and if it’s working, it will continue. I was so tickled to read, “Because no matter how bad your child’s behavior, it’s a cry for help. Sometimes the behavior requires a firm limit, but it never requires us to be mean”. YES!!!
But circle back to the yelling…did you know that when you escalate, you are teaching your children that is how to handle emotions? Did you know that, in order for a child to “self regulate”, they must FIRST learn to co-regulate, or use a trusted caregiver to model and assist in the facilitation of the said “calming down”? AND, if we teach children that emotions are scary or wrong or dangerous or inappropriate, we MISS teaching them the skills of what to do when the (um, inevitably…) arise???
Believe it or not, no matter how good it may feel or how difficult it may be to control, yelling does not teach your child anything but how to be afraid. Of you, or of the emotion. Or, more likely, both.
Still so much more to read…and so much more to practice myself. But I’m going to quote one of my favorite sections so far,and leave you with this lovely bit of knowledge:
“When kids are scared, they go into fight-or-flight. The learning centers of the brain shut down. Your child can’t learn when you yell…Your child needs you to witness her outpouring of emotion and let her know that she is still lovable, despite all these yucky feelings. Explanations, negotiations, remorse, recriminations, advice, analysis of why she’s so upset, or attempts to “comfort” her (“There, there, you don’t have to cry, that’s enough.”) will all shut down this natural emotive process. Dn’t force her to express herself in words; she doesn’t have access to the rational brain when she’s so upset. Of course, you want to “teach” – but that needs to wait. Your child can’t learn until she’s calm. You don’t have to say much. Your calm, loving tone is what matters.”
Until next time…
